Rainbow Cat Unicorn

   
Last week was a very challenging week. There were some things that had me quite triggered, bad nightmares, bad anxiety  and migraines as well. After waking up from a bad nightmare one of the days, my outlook on the day and life just starting off at the morning was very negative. My thoughts were negative. I was finding only the negative in my environment around me.

     It was good that I got to see my therapist that day. We talked about Opposite To Emotion Action which is a Dialectical Behavioral Skill that is based on the fact that if you do something opposite to your emotion your emotion would change.  So instead of listening to sad music while your sad one would listen to upbeat music. So for example, on my way to the therapist, when I noticed my negative thoughts to be all consuming, I switched my music selection to go for some Hawaiian music that was upbeat and reminded me of a place that I loved. This helped lift my mood and I was still struggling. My therapist also reminded me that when we do stuff for others in the Opposite to Emotion Action that it further increases are likelihood of changing our mood. I thought about how I like to send a friend funny stuff. I knew that it would be pretty hard for me to get triggered if I googled Rainbow Cat Unicorn and looked at these images that came up from that search. Yes, we found some funny ones.

Hope you enjoyed those and have a nice day. Maybe do something nice for someone else or look for something that you know you will love like Rainbows, Cats and Unicorns.

PS. I forgot to say that Opposite to Emotion Action isn't there so that you don't feel emotions. Feeling emotions and validating them are important. Opposite to Emotion Action is there for when feeling emotions is causing hindrances in ones life or no longer serves the desire of the individual. I hope that makes sense.

OM MANI PADME HUM

   

      Since december, The Tea & Chanting Sangha has been working to accumulate 100,000 recitations of OM MANI PADME HUM for all those affected by police violence, brutality and militarization. Yesterday, we met our goal and accumulated 101,276.  When I found out I rejoiced. With time, dedication and perseverance we had met our goal.

     Towards the end of the collection, I learned that it was ok to do recitations while walking, all this time before I was doing recitations while sitting. While I could get some done my body would get really tense and would want to move. I took my recitations off of the chair and they went with me when I walked anywhere. Often times doing more recitations was a motivation for me to walk to the store to get a shot of wheatgrass, take the time to walk to the pretty overlook of the river with trees in the distance.

     The days leading up to this I had a feeling that we were going to reach it soon and when I was faced with this I noticed there to be a certain sadness in my heart.  Doing these recitations became such a big part of my day and I knew that after we reached our goal, I wouldn't know what to do next.    It made me remember a talk I had with a cousin who is also an artist. We talked about the wonderful feeling of finishing a project and also that sometimes sadness came along with that. How one could cling to the project that had been completed for one might not know what will come yet, or if there is something to come, there might not be the attachment for it. It's interesting that of course attachment comes up in this. It is something that I have been being more mindful of since someone introduced me to the concept in December.

     Before I began collecting recitations of OM MANI PADME HUM for the Tea & Chanting Sangha, I wasn't really involved in a chanting practice. It was interesting to just dive right in. We would get together once a week online and chant for 40 minutes. I had never done that before, and we would do it at a pace that at the time I could not keep up with, but through practice became more plausible.  The amount of recitations I collected daily also grew with the discovery that chanting can get rid of anxiety! Seriosouly! This was a most amazing discovery for me for I have been struggling for a very long time with anxiety and trying to cope with it without the use of medication has been extremely challenging. It's absolutely exhausting most times. I noticed after the first 40 minute chanting session that we had together that afterwards I felt this sense of peace. Kind of like after getting acupuncture, or maybe working out for some or having sex for others. A couple days later I had been struggling with my anxiety, I remembered that moment after chanting where I felt so at peace that I thought it would be worth a try, if it doesn't work at least I will have had a break where I could get my mind off of the anxiety. I did 5 recitations and my anxiety was gone. I was so happy that I think I cried. My anxiety did come back four hours later, so I just did more chanting and then it went away again. My therapist was so happy when I shared this with her. I don't know if I would have learned this had I not just found myself engaging in the practice of the collection of 100,000 recitations of OM MANI PADME HUM.

     Being able to collect these recitations was really important because like many people I was upset about what was happening with Ferguson and everywhere else around the world were police officers were using their power in excess and no longer protecting the people they serve but rather killing and beating them without any justice.  I've only been a part of one protest (other than the ones I do on my own by choosing where I spend my money, who gets my time and how to protect the environment) and it was a really peaceful protest on a college campus.  As of today, the idea of being in a crowd protesting makes me feel incredibly anxious, maybe one day I will be able to do it without having a panic attack but that day hasn't yet come. I've had several panic attacks at Burning Man in the crowds there. Reciting OM MANI PADME HUM, educating myself more, and opening myself up to what it really meant to be someone of privilege allowed me to be at a space where I knew I was doing something. I was working hard at envisioning a world where police are there to love, protect and be a friend of the citizens of this planet.  With that being said, I know that this is a small step in this grand scope of social justice. I know there is more work to be done.
   
          May all beings be well. May all being find peace. May all beings receive justice.

Graduation Day

I totally forgot that today, August 12, 2014,  I graduate from group/ my skills class / the torture chamber.  WoW! have I changed through this year.
                                     
Here are some Random Thoughts

1. I didn't get kicked out of group, and with my health and traveling was amazing, they kick you out        after you miss 4 classes.

2. I avoided ramming my head through the wall despite all the urges to escape by any means possible.

3.  as more time passed I became more calm, less anxious, and really began to see how the work I was doing was affecting my life.

4.  I began thinking, "I should write a blog or something to share with others these amazing skills I've learned.  Which I soon after remembered that I pretty much hated group for the first 8-9 months and don't know if I could've been very inspiring then.

5.  I can't wait to wear my fancy Mexican dress that I wore to my cousins ordination.  I will also have fancy hair and fancy jewelry.  I am definitely going to overdo it considering that I've also been contemplating the tiara.

6.  I need to buy some cool stickers.  We get stickers after completing our homework and I find them to be rather dull.  So I thought buying cool stickers would be a nice parting gift.

7.  I enjoyed being a leader.  Once I realized that I was the person that had been there the longest, I reflected on the people that I viewed that way when I was just starting out.  I tried to pull together a thing of lists that they did and emulate the greater good in them along with the greater good in me.
So what I did was

a.  Always show up no matter what

b. Always do your homework no matter what

c.  Show others the parts of you that scare yourself so that they know that they're not alone and they can experience less fear from those similar parts in themselves.

d.  Give advice, but not all the time, only when the person is really struggling and you can phrase it in a positive way.

e. lead by example

f. show others how I cope by specifically wording how I explain my homework so that others can make it more imaginable to pertain to themselves.

g. Validate.  One day in group we were to validate the other person sitting next to us.  She was really struggling with asking for what she wants in life, and it is something that I really struggle with as well. " _____, I know this is really hard right now and I know that asking for what you want when your used to negative things happening afterwards makes it scary.  And it's not as scary. I want you to know that I believe in you, I believe that you will be able to ask for the things that you want, the things that you need, and you will lead a much more happier and fulfilled life as a result.  You will have the things that you desire. Keep plugging away." It was nice to see here body relax, to get a smile, I knew in that moment that she was believing in herself when before she was really scared.

8. I learned to embrace that I am a cryer.  Seriously I cry a lot.  I cry when I am happy, when I am sad, when something is beautiful, I've cried looking at paintings before.  It's been a struggle for me to articulate things that are important to me and be taken seriously all the while I am crying.  I would get really dis-regulated in group when I was trying to describe my homework  and was crying again.  My teachers told me that I need to own that I am a cryer, that I need to embrace that part of myself and love it because it is very special. I remember the next group I began crying and I said "i know that I am crying again but I don't give a damn because it just shows that I care, that I am said, and despite all the bullshit that's been going on, I am a good person and deserve better."  So now, I embrace that I am a crier and the majority of the time.  I don't get embarrassed.

9.  I learned, put me in a small room with no window, no ventilation, and a bunch of individuals who despite the fact that they are really struggling right now, also really want to change even though some of them believe that it's not possible, was really uncomfortable for me.  I expressed my discomfort by becoming really tight in my body language.  I would get anxiety as well, and there was no place for me to go.  This was really hard and it wasn't towards the end that I learned how to acknowledge that emotion and not let it overpower my body.  Crocheting, putting on lotion, putting on a special essential oil, and filing my nails really helps.

10.  I learned that I am going to miss the very thing that I've been trying to get away from this whole year.  In a way we are a small family, everyone is there for different reasons, we all have good days and bad days and we are all there because we want to get better so that we can become better people in our lives.  I will miss knowing that I am surrounded by a group of people that are scared shitless but our doing it anyways.  I now realize though, that there are probably plenty more people like this in my day to day life, there isn't a forum though to put it on display.

11. Being in group for a year, I saw ALOT of people come and go.  I don't know what their story is.  I don't know if they quit, got kicked out, I am sure a lot of people quit, i't was not an easy thing to do.  For the people that compromise my classmates right now.  I hope they stick around through all the hard parts.  I hope the notice the times when they are changing and become excited about the people they are becoming.  I hope they soon learn that their "demons" are not stronger than them.

The Year I Loved Myself More.

 
     Tomorrow, July 30 is the first day of my journey to figure out what life would be like sober.  When I stopped drinking I didn't know it would be a year long adventure, I just new that after the death of someone I loved that it may be smart to stay away from the booze for a bit, and my therapist told me to ( I pretty much do whatever my therapist tells me to do, I mean that's what I pay her for right? ) I agreed and figured that it was better this way.

      I wish there was a pretty package that I could write about all of this and wrap it in a bow of a perfect summary, and I don't know if I could do that right now.
What I do know is that I have learned productive and creative ways to deal with stress and anxiety.

  I am more honest with myself and tend to run from the truth less.

 I am facing my demons instead of suppressing them, ignoring them , trying to hide from them.

I love going to bed early and waking up early, especially to the sunrise, I leave my blinds open and my window faces east so it is the first thing that I see during the day.

 It is a lot more important for me to have friendships were we are honest and supportive.

 I like to meditate.

 I know that shame is only a judgement and something that I am not really interested in having in my life.

I know that it is ok that my heart hurts so much that I feel it tense up all the muscles in my back.  That my heart pain is love, sadness, maybe some fear, and all those emotions are totally ok.

I know that I can speak up for myself, ask for what I want and work on cultivating the type of relationships that are important to me.

 I know that there are people who love me exactly the way that I am and if they don't, I know that its fine if our relationship doesn't' continue.

 I know I am more than the sum of my mistakes.

I know that I can say no to countless drink offers when before I would automatically say yes.

 I know that the woman taking her anger out on me is hurt and that it's better that she isn't in my life anymore. Relief.

I learned that there are ALOT of stuff that I feel anxious about and I learned that I couldn't live a life where I tried to hide them from others.

 I learned how to love my body more.

I learned that I could have sex sober and that it was something that I could enjoy.

That sex was a positive thing in my life.

 I learned that making decisions based on my health was my #1 priority and if anybody didn't agree with that, fine, be on your merry way.

I know what my grandmother said was true, that using substances can decrease ones psychic ability.

I know that I am fine being on my own participating in the life that I create.

 I learned that I could have a photo of my mother up and not cry every time I walked by it.

Although I may be "alone" I am not lonely.

 I learned how to stand in front of everyone disrobe, voice my insecurities while standing naeked in front of a room of strangers.

I learned how to be more open more vulnerable.

I learned that there are several things that I could do sober that some (which is fine by me, I don't judge) would do not sober including me, which include and are not limited to: going to burning man, attending the memorial of someone very dear, going abroad with families into situations that reignited my ptsd, attending a wedding, going to family reunions and dealing with the anxieties of that, getting evicted from my art studio because the new owners of the building wanted to turn it into I don't know what, I don't care, that I could be kicked out of the home that I was trying to learn to love by the man that I loved, that I could go through a separation, that I could go through a breakup, that I could handle toxic people trying to load their feelings onto me as a scapegoat for their codependent issues, that I could make it through mothers day and fathers day without having a mother or a father in my life, wooh!

 I know that there are a few people, but they are the ones that really matter, that support me, love the person I am the person I was, view me as a supportive friend, a good listener, a compassionate soul.

I get positive feedback from people all the time that tell me how awesome I am doing and I love it.

 I learned that I play a very important role in the lives of people that I view important to me.

I learned that as time goes by, that list gets longer and longer.  I am sure there is more but that's a good start.
   
     A couple weeks ago while sitting and talking to my therapist I had mentioned that sometimes soon, I didn't know when, that it would mark 1 year of me being sober.  My therapist wanted to know if I could find out when that date was, I know that a dear friend of mine also got sober on the same day and that I could figure it out based on texts.  So I scoured through them and found that it was the 30th.  My therapist said "You should have a party, a celebration, a little get together."  I agreed.  Then my thoughts moved from the clouds into the ground and I remembered that it was sometime around this time that I lost my mother do to an accidental overdose.  I thought to myself "It better not be the day that I got sober." I began feeling nervous, anxious, uncomfortable.  I did what I needed to do and found the file that has the 10+ copies of my mother's death certificate (there was a time and still is where I needed a lot of copies) and found out that my hunches were right.  The very same day that marked the first year of my journey sober was the day that they believed she died.
 
      I began to feel a sort of doom gloom forming over me.  There was no more celebration.  Rather fear, doubt.  "How could I celebrate on the day that my mother died?" What if I decide that I do want to drink again? Will people be worried or concerned because I had a celebration? ( The celebration was really going to be much more than my year of not drinking, kind of also a celebration of wooh, I made it through all that crap and I am stronger, wiser and better.  Lets celebrate!)

     Anyways the party became a no.  Until today.  I am truly excited that tomorrow marks the end of the year where I loved myself more and the beginning of a new dawn.  Though the loss of my mother was tragic and still haunts me.  There isn't anything else that could make her more prouder of me.  That was one awesome thing about my mom, she was always saying how proud of me she was.  I miss having someone be that proud of me.  For the people that say stuff like that to me now, I treasure every word as it comes out of their mouth from their heart.
 
      I don't know how I am going to celebrate.  It's nice that a day that used to be so dreadful now has a new meaning to it.  A transformation.  Whatever I do, I will be bold, I will be brave, and I will continue to love more.