Graduation Day

I totally forgot that today, August 12, 2014,  I graduate from group/ my skills class / the torture chamber.  WoW! have I changed through this year.
                                     
Here are some Random Thoughts

1. I didn't get kicked out of group, and with my health and traveling was amazing, they kick you out        after you miss 4 classes.

2. I avoided ramming my head through the wall despite all the urges to escape by any means possible.

3.  as more time passed I became more calm, less anxious, and really began to see how the work I was doing was affecting my life.

4.  I began thinking, "I should write a blog or something to share with others these amazing skills I've learned.  Which I soon after remembered that I pretty much hated group for the first 8-9 months and don't know if I could've been very inspiring then.

5.  I can't wait to wear my fancy Mexican dress that I wore to my cousins ordination.  I will also have fancy hair and fancy jewelry.  I am definitely going to overdo it considering that I've also been contemplating the tiara.

6.  I need to buy some cool stickers.  We get stickers after completing our homework and I find them to be rather dull.  So I thought buying cool stickers would be a nice parting gift.

7.  I enjoyed being a leader.  Once I realized that I was the person that had been there the longest, I reflected on the people that I viewed that way when I was just starting out.  I tried to pull together a thing of lists that they did and emulate the greater good in them along with the greater good in me.
So what I did was

a.  Always show up no matter what

b. Always do your homework no matter what

c.  Show others the parts of you that scare yourself so that they know that they're not alone and they can experience less fear from those similar parts in themselves.

d.  Give advice, but not all the time, only when the person is really struggling and you can phrase it in a positive way.

e. lead by example

f. show others how I cope by specifically wording how I explain my homework so that others can make it more imaginable to pertain to themselves.

g. Validate.  One day in group we were to validate the other person sitting next to us.  She was really struggling with asking for what she wants in life, and it is something that I really struggle with as well. " _____, I know this is really hard right now and I know that asking for what you want when your used to negative things happening afterwards makes it scary.  And it's not as scary. I want you to know that I believe in you, I believe that you will be able to ask for the things that you want, the things that you need, and you will lead a much more happier and fulfilled life as a result.  You will have the things that you desire. Keep plugging away." It was nice to see here body relax, to get a smile, I knew in that moment that she was believing in herself when before she was really scared.

8. I learned to embrace that I am a cryer.  Seriously I cry a lot.  I cry when I am happy, when I am sad, when something is beautiful, I've cried looking at paintings before.  It's been a struggle for me to articulate things that are important to me and be taken seriously all the while I am crying.  I would get really dis-regulated in group when I was trying to describe my homework  and was crying again.  My teachers told me that I need to own that I am a cryer, that I need to embrace that part of myself and love it because it is very special. I remember the next group I began crying and I said "i know that I am crying again but I don't give a damn because it just shows that I care, that I am said, and despite all the bullshit that's been going on, I am a good person and deserve better."  So now, I embrace that I am a crier and the majority of the time.  I don't get embarrassed.

9.  I learned, put me in a small room with no window, no ventilation, and a bunch of individuals who despite the fact that they are really struggling right now, also really want to change even though some of them believe that it's not possible, was really uncomfortable for me.  I expressed my discomfort by becoming really tight in my body language.  I would get anxiety as well, and there was no place for me to go.  This was really hard and it wasn't towards the end that I learned how to acknowledge that emotion and not let it overpower my body.  Crocheting, putting on lotion, putting on a special essential oil, and filing my nails really helps.

10.  I learned that I am going to miss the very thing that I've been trying to get away from this whole year.  In a way we are a small family, everyone is there for different reasons, we all have good days and bad days and we are all there because we want to get better so that we can become better people in our lives.  I will miss knowing that I am surrounded by a group of people that are scared shitless but our doing it anyways.  I now realize though, that there are probably plenty more people like this in my day to day life, there isn't a forum though to put it on display.

11. Being in group for a year, I saw ALOT of people come and go.  I don't know what their story is.  I don't know if they quit, got kicked out, I am sure a lot of people quit, i't was not an easy thing to do.  For the people that compromise my classmates right now.  I hope they stick around through all the hard parts.  I hope the notice the times when they are changing and become excited about the people they are becoming.  I hope they soon learn that their "demons" are not stronger than them.

My Favorite Shinning Star

   I moved a lot this spring (for two months straight as a matter of fact)  and as a result I had a legal box and more full of unattended mail and receipts and anything that was near the desk.  I've been pecking at the pile every now and then.  It's strange to come across receipts from dinner and excursions with the man that is no longer apart of my life any more.  I've made a conscious choice to think about the present and not the past, so to have all these receipts coming up was interesting.  I wasn't sad, maybe a tad, instead they were like flashbacks into a life that no longer is mine.  I'm fine with that, even though it makes me a tad sad, a tad mind you!

     Amongst the to do's, receipts, unopened mail, business cards, unsent holiday cards, unset postcards,  boarding passes, and what not I found,this gem.  I don't remember ever writing it.  It could've been 5 years ago.  The stationary it's written on is quite old.  I wonder who the girl is that wrote this, besides of course me.

     After day dreaming while it took forever to process photos, I remembered! Victory is mine! It was a note that I wrote to myself when I was participating in National Novel Writing Month.  I thought that these actions would help my protagonist grow and would make for interesting writing.  I like how it can apply to real life now. If your holding onto something, what would it look like if you let go? How would your life be different if you just kept going.

Shades of Pacific Sunrise

     Happy Aloha Friday Everyone! Time to chill out a bit :) Not really if your in Hawi'i right now.  I know though that some people are keeping it pretty chill.  Sending everyone there lots of Love, Aloha, and warm wishes for a safe storm passing.

     One of my favorite things to do is to watch the sunrise.  Sometimes I go outside with a cup of tea and bear witness to its full evolution.  Other times, I open one eye, look out my window at a giant pink cloud, or orange sky, or whatever magic is happening, think to myself "Wow! thats beautiful" and then promptly return to slumber land.

     My lovely cousin and I once had the pleasure of watching every sunrise together on kauai for about 2 weeks? one winter.  We were devoted.  My sleepy groggy self cherishes those.

    Its Aloha Friday so here are some sunrise photos over the pacific ocean after a transformation trip to the islands.  Orange is a very special color amongst some of my family members. So here are some transformations of the sky as the morning sun declares its arrival.   I like to thing of them as paintings.

Up on the Roof

eight thirty today

sunset stripes, blue and yellow

stranger slurping soup

Some Subtleties of the Salish Sea

Happy Aloha Friday! I wanted to do an entry to celebrate this, when I do this again, I think I will write the entry either on Thursday or early Friday morning.  I may keep it short and sweet.  I had so many photos on todays muse, photos of water from above, that it was so hard to select.  To my right was dinner and on the screen was 98 photos.  So I just decided to go with a theme, soft tonality shifts, and put up all the photos that go with that.  Water is one of my favorite things to photograph.  I cope with my fear of flying by taking lots of pictures.  I hope these photos add a little bit of soft comfort after a long week.  The Sea loves you and so do I.