Graduation Day

I totally forgot that today, August 12, 2014,  I graduate from group/ my skills class / the torture chamber.  WoW! have I changed through this year.
                                     
Here are some Random Thoughts

1. I didn't get kicked out of group, and with my health and traveling was amazing, they kick you out        after you miss 4 classes.

2. I avoided ramming my head through the wall despite all the urges to escape by any means possible.

3.  as more time passed I became more calm, less anxious, and really began to see how the work I was doing was affecting my life.

4.  I began thinking, "I should write a blog or something to share with others these amazing skills I've learned.  Which I soon after remembered that I pretty much hated group for the first 8-9 months and don't know if I could've been very inspiring then.

5.  I can't wait to wear my fancy Mexican dress that I wore to my cousins ordination.  I will also have fancy hair and fancy jewelry.  I am definitely going to overdo it considering that I've also been contemplating the tiara.

6.  I need to buy some cool stickers.  We get stickers after completing our homework and I find them to be rather dull.  So I thought buying cool stickers would be a nice parting gift.

7.  I enjoyed being a leader.  Once I realized that I was the person that had been there the longest, I reflected on the people that I viewed that way when I was just starting out.  I tried to pull together a thing of lists that they did and emulate the greater good in them along with the greater good in me.
So what I did was

a.  Always show up no matter what

b. Always do your homework no matter what

c.  Show others the parts of you that scare yourself so that they know that they're not alone and they can experience less fear from those similar parts in themselves.

d.  Give advice, but not all the time, only when the person is really struggling and you can phrase it in a positive way.

e. lead by example

f. show others how I cope by specifically wording how I explain my homework so that others can make it more imaginable to pertain to themselves.

g. Validate.  One day in group we were to validate the other person sitting next to us.  She was really struggling with asking for what she wants in life, and it is something that I really struggle with as well. " _____, I know this is really hard right now and I know that asking for what you want when your used to negative things happening afterwards makes it scary.  And it's not as scary. I want you to know that I believe in you, I believe that you will be able to ask for the things that you want, the things that you need, and you will lead a much more happier and fulfilled life as a result.  You will have the things that you desire. Keep plugging away." It was nice to see here body relax, to get a smile, I knew in that moment that she was believing in herself when before she was really scared.

8. I learned to embrace that I am a cryer.  Seriously I cry a lot.  I cry when I am happy, when I am sad, when something is beautiful, I've cried looking at paintings before.  It's been a struggle for me to articulate things that are important to me and be taken seriously all the while I am crying.  I would get really dis-regulated in group when I was trying to describe my homework  and was crying again.  My teachers told me that I need to own that I am a cryer, that I need to embrace that part of myself and love it because it is very special. I remember the next group I began crying and I said "i know that I am crying again but I don't give a damn because it just shows that I care, that I am said, and despite all the bullshit that's been going on, I am a good person and deserve better."  So now, I embrace that I am a crier and the majority of the time.  I don't get embarrassed.

9.  I learned, put me in a small room with no window, no ventilation, and a bunch of individuals who despite the fact that they are really struggling right now, also really want to change even though some of them believe that it's not possible, was really uncomfortable for me.  I expressed my discomfort by becoming really tight in my body language.  I would get anxiety as well, and there was no place for me to go.  This was really hard and it wasn't towards the end that I learned how to acknowledge that emotion and not let it overpower my body.  Crocheting, putting on lotion, putting on a special essential oil, and filing my nails really helps.

10.  I learned that I am going to miss the very thing that I've been trying to get away from this whole year.  In a way we are a small family, everyone is there for different reasons, we all have good days and bad days and we are all there because we want to get better so that we can become better people in our lives.  I will miss knowing that I am surrounded by a group of people that are scared shitless but our doing it anyways.  I now realize though, that there are probably plenty more people like this in my day to day life, there isn't a forum though to put it on display.

11. Being in group for a year, I saw ALOT of people come and go.  I don't know what their story is.  I don't know if they quit, got kicked out, I am sure a lot of people quit, i't was not an easy thing to do.  For the people that compromise my classmates right now.  I hope they stick around through all the hard parts.  I hope the notice the times when they are changing and become excited about the people they are becoming.  I hope they soon learn that their "demons" are not stronger than them.

My Skills Class Secret

Very little people know that I participate in a group skills class. All the more reason to write about through the inter webs of "who even reads this anyways."  I'm pretty good at keeping secrets, actually excellent, and also very good when something is precious to me and I feel like I need to protect it.  If I have any hint that my beliefs or my ideas will be subject to criticism and judgement, I will keep my lips tightly pursed.  Who knows if I will continue to be this way in the future, its something that I am currently on the fence about.

Anyways, even though my head feels funny and it would be best to stay off the computer, my head was generating sentence after sentence for this entry, so I decided to sit down and write about all the lines that were coming into my brain.

Behaviorism is one of the things that I learned in my group skills class.  Behaviorism teaches us that if you are trying to change some aspect of yourself smoking, gossiping, losing your temper, whatever, in my case right now it is checking Facebook, that you will be most successful in changing that behavior by rewarding yourself every time you have the urge to do it and don't.  It is particularly effective if you reward yourself right after you avoid the urge.  I have been working with it and so far it works.  Every time I have the urge to check Facebook, unless it is for a class, message, or event and is not early in the morning or late at night, I put a dollar in a bucket.  A bucket, only because I don't have a piggy bank.  If you are struggling changing something about yourself, please avoid berating and negative self talk, instead reward your self every time you avoid it.  When rewarding it is best to engage in a positive activity :) Make Sense?

The other day I learned about PACE breathing.  PACE breathing helps decrease anxiety by counting the breaths that you inhale and counting the breaths that you exhale and making sure that the exhaled breaths are longer in count than the inhaled breaths.  What I found particularly interesting is that the reason why so many people feel relaxed after having a cigarette, isn't because of the cigarette itself because cigarettes are actually stimulants, it is because they are engaging in PACE breathing, longer exhalations.  The other day one of my triggers for anxiety got a nice kick.  So I made sure to try this PACE breathing and it not only slowed down my heart rate but also helped me feel more relaxed.

Here is some healing energy for you! The light of the candle is at the point where energy radiates through these images of creatures who love all.