The Year I Loved Myself More.

 
     Tomorrow, July 30 is the first day of my journey to figure out what life would be like sober.  When I stopped drinking I didn't know it would be a year long adventure, I just new that after the death of someone I loved that it may be smart to stay away from the booze for a bit, and my therapist told me to ( I pretty much do whatever my therapist tells me to do, I mean that's what I pay her for right? ) I agreed and figured that it was better this way.

      I wish there was a pretty package that I could write about all of this and wrap it in a bow of a perfect summary, and I don't know if I could do that right now.
What I do know is that I have learned productive and creative ways to deal with stress and anxiety.

  I am more honest with myself and tend to run from the truth less.

 I am facing my demons instead of suppressing them, ignoring them , trying to hide from them.

I love going to bed early and waking up early, especially to the sunrise, I leave my blinds open and my window faces east so it is the first thing that I see during the day.

 It is a lot more important for me to have friendships were we are honest and supportive.

 I like to meditate.

 I know that shame is only a judgement and something that I am not really interested in having in my life.

I know that it is ok that my heart hurts so much that I feel it tense up all the muscles in my back.  That my heart pain is love, sadness, maybe some fear, and all those emotions are totally ok.

I know that I can speak up for myself, ask for what I want and work on cultivating the type of relationships that are important to me.

 I know that there are people who love me exactly the way that I am and if they don't, I know that its fine if our relationship doesn't' continue.

 I know I am more than the sum of my mistakes.

I know that I can say no to countless drink offers when before I would automatically say yes.

 I know that the woman taking her anger out on me is hurt and that it's better that she isn't in my life anymore. Relief.

I learned that there are ALOT of stuff that I feel anxious about and I learned that I couldn't live a life where I tried to hide them from others.

 I learned how to love my body more.

I learned that I could have sex sober and that it was something that I could enjoy.

That sex was a positive thing in my life.

 I learned that making decisions based on my health was my #1 priority and if anybody didn't agree with that, fine, be on your merry way.

I know what my grandmother said was true, that using substances can decrease ones psychic ability.

I know that I am fine being on my own participating in the life that I create.

 I learned that I could have a photo of my mother up and not cry every time I walked by it.

Although I may be "alone" I am not lonely.

 I learned how to stand in front of everyone disrobe, voice my insecurities while standing naeked in front of a room of strangers.

I learned how to be more open more vulnerable.

I learned that there are several things that I could do sober that some (which is fine by me, I don't judge) would do not sober including me, which include and are not limited to: going to burning man, attending the memorial of someone very dear, going abroad with families into situations that reignited my ptsd, attending a wedding, going to family reunions and dealing with the anxieties of that, getting evicted from my art studio because the new owners of the building wanted to turn it into I don't know what, I don't care, that I could be kicked out of the home that I was trying to learn to love by the man that I loved, that I could go through a separation, that I could go through a breakup, that I could handle toxic people trying to load their feelings onto me as a scapegoat for their codependent issues, that I could make it through mothers day and fathers day without having a mother or a father in my life, wooh!

 I know that there are a few people, but they are the ones that really matter, that support me, love the person I am the person I was, view me as a supportive friend, a good listener, a compassionate soul.

I get positive feedback from people all the time that tell me how awesome I am doing and I love it.

 I learned that I play a very important role in the lives of people that I view important to me.

I learned that as time goes by, that list gets longer and longer.  I am sure there is more but that's a good start.
   
     A couple weeks ago while sitting and talking to my therapist I had mentioned that sometimes soon, I didn't know when, that it would mark 1 year of me being sober.  My therapist wanted to know if I could find out when that date was, I know that a dear friend of mine also got sober on the same day and that I could figure it out based on texts.  So I scoured through them and found that it was the 30th.  My therapist said "You should have a party, a celebration, a little get together."  I agreed.  Then my thoughts moved from the clouds into the ground and I remembered that it was sometime around this time that I lost my mother do to an accidental overdose.  I thought to myself "It better not be the day that I got sober." I began feeling nervous, anxious, uncomfortable.  I did what I needed to do and found the file that has the 10+ copies of my mother's death certificate (there was a time and still is where I needed a lot of copies) and found out that my hunches were right.  The very same day that marked the first year of my journey sober was the day that they believed she died.
 
      I began to feel a sort of doom gloom forming over me.  There was no more celebration.  Rather fear, doubt.  "How could I celebrate on the day that my mother died?" What if I decide that I do want to drink again? Will people be worried or concerned because I had a celebration? ( The celebration was really going to be much more than my year of not drinking, kind of also a celebration of wooh, I made it through all that crap and I am stronger, wiser and better.  Lets celebrate!)

     Anyways the party became a no.  Until today.  I am truly excited that tomorrow marks the end of the year where I loved myself more and the beginning of a new dawn.  Though the loss of my mother was tragic and still haunts me.  There isn't anything else that could make her more prouder of me.  That was one awesome thing about my mom, she was always saying how proud of me she was.  I miss having someone be that proud of me.  For the people that say stuff like that to me now, I treasure every word as it comes out of their mouth from their heart.
 
      I don't know how I am going to celebrate.  It's nice that a day that used to be so dreadful now has a new meaning to it.  A transformation.  Whatever I do, I will be bold, I will be brave, and I will continue to love more.