A Bounty of Gifts

    Re-entry after Burning Man can be a bit challenging.  This year it was especially hard for me.  I think the combination of being super devoted to healing others, fulfilling my promises of carrying messages to the temple, getting really sick and not be able to have a day/night to be able to do whatever I wanted, the pure intensity of it, the inexplicable magic and not being able to get the sense of freedom that I wanted in the ways that I wanted it (time to be mindful that I did get freedom in other ways) left my heart hurting, my mind blown, my body sick and hurting and my soul very sad perceiving that I would need to wait another year before being able to get the things I wanted out of Burning Man.  After some contemplation I know that I got what I needed and that it may not have manifested itself in the ways that I wanted, that I can MANIFEST the freedom I wanted there through some action here, that it is better to accept MAGIC than to wonder how it is possible (explaining the inexplainable can be very hard on the mind), that I am still processing what happened and that I may never finish processing it, that through working through some hard work, challenging actions and fears I have come out of it a stronger, more fearless, more self-confident and more belief in myself as a healer.  I know that through every bit of advice that I gave to others was also advice for myself.  My brain now thinks "What am I doing, I wasn't going to write all this about Burning Man I was going to write about gifts and now I am writing about Burning Man and I haven't figured it all out yet and I am writing like I have.  Continue on.".

     I had the intention today to write about gifting.  Gifting is a a great foundation of Burning Man and can present itself through actions, words, love, physical gifts, when we open our mind to exactly "what a gift can be" we can realize how many of them we have in our lives.  Some gifts that I got on the playa included but are not limited to:
a ride to go get my stuff from the truck stop (this need not be explained)
acupuncture
energy work
m&m's
prunes
a children's book that was written by a woman who came to me for consultation
a laminated picture with a quote on the back
a tow out to the temple to see it burn
help getting my tent stakes out from the ground
a meal from camp Potluck
a necklace with a shell
a necklace that lights up to audio activation.  It blinks when I or others talk. HOW COOL :)
high fives (seriously high fives are awesome and there needs to be more of them)
kind ears and souls to listen to me when I was overwhelmed. sick, frustrated and disappointed
a bounty of yummy food
a beautiful creative skirt thingy
3 pieces of mail (my campmates think I am very popular) 2 of which were received on a day that I  
      was oh so sick and oh so sad (no one wants to get super sick at burning man especially on their                    
      day off)
An origami crane that was in one of the pieces of mail
A piece of art that was in another one of the pieces of mail
A beautiful card that made my soul feel alive and connected when I even think of it (the other piece
      of mail
A spritz of water on an utterly hot day
Magical Holy Basil and Sweet Rose tea
Ayurverdic healing
Ginger Crystals
Yummy Mocktails
A flower! (I told someone they were beautiful and then they gave me a real live flower)
Belief in me
Hugs! Lots and Lots and Lots of Hugs.  I LOVE hugs! and am always willing to accept more unless
       of course I think you are a creep in which case I won't want to hug you.
Help getting my stuff to the Burner Express Stop
People packed my stuff at the truck stop when I was sick and hurting
An AMAZING pickle.  Seriously best pickle ever!
a kind soul to hold on to my apartment keys so I wouldn't lose them on Playa
a kind soul to look after my car so it wouldn't accrue parking tickets and get towed away
a tow to see the temple burn when I was too sick to bike or walk
the delivery of my personal items by Camp Baggage Check to the temple when I was too sick to bike
     or walk
peppermint candies
Juice
I really don't want to forget any gifts but I know that I may be.  I can always come back and add them
      later :)

So those are some of the lovely gifts that I received.  One way to get over the Post Playa Blues is to try to manifest things that one values about Burning Man in their every day life.  The other day, as I said before, I was feeling sad, sick, confused about the meaning of all of it and I became mindful of all the amazing people that I have here in this sometimes cold city and the bounty of gifts that I am receiving now.  So to bring elation to the heart and appreciation to the gifts lets list them here.

An invitation to go participate in the gathering of The International Council of the 13 Indigenous
      Grandmothers in Africa (SO EXCITED!!!!)
help getting my stuff from the truck location to home
HUGS! the local florist adores me and loves to give me hugs :)
There was a street fair by where I live so I got the following from that
    A piece of chocolate
    A stress release packet
    A mixture of herbal tea
    A Rose sachet
    5 Gladiolas (they were only giving away 1 at a time and the local florist adores me :)
A kind soul to listen to me about my anxiety and sadness over this past burn (it was really intense)
Notice that I was going to receive a care package in the mail (having pen pals is the best!)
Words of love, appreciation and adoration from my wonderful friends
Funny tales of VERY inappropriate things that made me laugh and blush

   I would love to share more about the Gifts that I gave to others, and I haven't really thought of that, prior to writing this entry I made a little list of some of the gifts I received and didn't include gifts that I gave.  I also, can't spend all morning dreaming of things to write here.  Time to get some stuff done.

     So I will leave with these closing thoughts.  That which we may want we already have, one must look closely for it may not appear in the ways we know how to recognize it.  Dreams remain dreams if they live in the head, when they are acted upon or steps are taken to manifest them, then they become reality.  The reality that we live in is as beautiful, as ugly, as sad or as wonderful as we perceive it to be.  Sometimes a little shift in perspective can create big changes!  Everyone is loved and inside every person there is some hurt so, always try to be kind.  If you don't feel loved, remember that I LOVE YOU.

This entry is not edited or corrected and is inspired by immediacy.


 

The Year I Loved Myself More.

 
     Tomorrow, July 30 is the first day of my journey to figure out what life would be like sober.  When I stopped drinking I didn't know it would be a year long adventure, I just new that after the death of someone I loved that it may be smart to stay away from the booze for a bit, and my therapist told me to ( I pretty much do whatever my therapist tells me to do, I mean that's what I pay her for right? ) I agreed and figured that it was better this way.

      I wish there was a pretty package that I could write about all of this and wrap it in a bow of a perfect summary, and I don't know if I could do that right now.
What I do know is that I have learned productive and creative ways to deal with stress and anxiety.

  I am more honest with myself and tend to run from the truth less.

 I am facing my demons instead of suppressing them, ignoring them , trying to hide from them.

I love going to bed early and waking up early, especially to the sunrise, I leave my blinds open and my window faces east so it is the first thing that I see during the day.

 It is a lot more important for me to have friendships were we are honest and supportive.

 I like to meditate.

 I know that shame is only a judgement and something that I am not really interested in having in my life.

I know that it is ok that my heart hurts so much that I feel it tense up all the muscles in my back.  That my heart pain is love, sadness, maybe some fear, and all those emotions are totally ok.

I know that I can speak up for myself, ask for what I want and work on cultivating the type of relationships that are important to me.

 I know that there are people who love me exactly the way that I am and if they don't, I know that its fine if our relationship doesn't' continue.

 I know I am more than the sum of my mistakes.

I know that I can say no to countless drink offers when before I would automatically say yes.

 I know that the woman taking her anger out on me is hurt and that it's better that she isn't in my life anymore. Relief.

I learned that there are ALOT of stuff that I feel anxious about and I learned that I couldn't live a life where I tried to hide them from others.

 I learned how to love my body more.

I learned that I could have sex sober and that it was something that I could enjoy.

That sex was a positive thing in my life.

 I learned that making decisions based on my health was my #1 priority and if anybody didn't agree with that, fine, be on your merry way.

I know what my grandmother said was true, that using substances can decrease ones psychic ability.

I know that I am fine being on my own participating in the life that I create.

 I learned that I could have a photo of my mother up and not cry every time I walked by it.

Although I may be "alone" I am not lonely.

 I learned how to stand in front of everyone disrobe, voice my insecurities while standing naeked in front of a room of strangers.

I learned how to be more open more vulnerable.

I learned that there are several things that I could do sober that some (which is fine by me, I don't judge) would do not sober including me, which include and are not limited to: going to burning man, attending the memorial of someone very dear, going abroad with families into situations that reignited my ptsd, attending a wedding, going to family reunions and dealing with the anxieties of that, getting evicted from my art studio because the new owners of the building wanted to turn it into I don't know what, I don't care, that I could be kicked out of the home that I was trying to learn to love by the man that I loved, that I could go through a separation, that I could go through a breakup, that I could handle toxic people trying to load their feelings onto me as a scapegoat for their codependent issues, that I could make it through mothers day and fathers day without having a mother or a father in my life, wooh!

 I know that there are a few people, but they are the ones that really matter, that support me, love the person I am the person I was, view me as a supportive friend, a good listener, a compassionate soul.

I get positive feedback from people all the time that tell me how awesome I am doing and I love it.

 I learned that I play a very important role in the lives of people that I view important to me.

I learned that as time goes by, that list gets longer and longer.  I am sure there is more but that's a good start.
   
     A couple weeks ago while sitting and talking to my therapist I had mentioned that sometimes soon, I didn't know when, that it would mark 1 year of me being sober.  My therapist wanted to know if I could find out when that date was, I know that a dear friend of mine also got sober on the same day and that I could figure it out based on texts.  So I scoured through them and found that it was the 30th.  My therapist said "You should have a party, a celebration, a little get together."  I agreed.  Then my thoughts moved from the clouds into the ground and I remembered that it was sometime around this time that I lost my mother do to an accidental overdose.  I thought to myself "It better not be the day that I got sober." I began feeling nervous, anxious, uncomfortable.  I did what I needed to do and found the file that has the 10+ copies of my mother's death certificate (there was a time and still is where I needed a lot of copies) and found out that my hunches were right.  The very same day that marked the first year of my journey sober was the day that they believed she died.
 
      I began to feel a sort of doom gloom forming over me.  There was no more celebration.  Rather fear, doubt.  "How could I celebrate on the day that my mother died?" What if I decide that I do want to drink again? Will people be worried or concerned because I had a celebration? ( The celebration was really going to be much more than my year of not drinking, kind of also a celebration of wooh, I made it through all that crap and I am stronger, wiser and better.  Lets celebrate!)

     Anyways the party became a no.  Until today.  I am truly excited that tomorrow marks the end of the year where I loved myself more and the beginning of a new dawn.  Though the loss of my mother was tragic and still haunts me.  There isn't anything else that could make her more prouder of me.  That was one awesome thing about my mom, she was always saying how proud of me she was.  I miss having someone be that proud of me.  For the people that say stuff like that to me now, I treasure every word as it comes out of their mouth from their heart.
 
      I don't know how I am going to celebrate.  It's nice that a day that used to be so dreadful now has a new meaning to it.  A transformation.  Whatever I do, I will be bold, I will be brave, and I will continue to love more.

A Page From My Standard Diary for Thursday June 10, 2014

Amongst the many gifts that my Grandmother would give out each Christmas, there was always included for all the kids and grandchildren a red Standard Diary with a page for each day of the year and a calendar for Butchart Gardens.  My lovely cousin adored these standard diaries while the majority of everyone else either put them on a bookshelf to never open again or gave away.  Who knows what happened to them! After my Grandmother had her stroke and stopped sending the Standard Diaries my lovely cousin began sending out an email to all of us cousins and uncles and aunts asking if anyone would like a Standard Diary.  Myself along with I think 2 other cousins said yes.  My intention for writing in them has often been better than my practice.  However, recently I am back on the train writing each day in my Standard Diary.  I figured I would share a page.  The writers voice is often different when documenting in a diary and also, I feel really grateful for what I was able to write today and want to share the love.  So here is what I wrote word for word for Thursday July 10, 2014.

Well I have been enjoying doing my daily practice.  The drops from the tinctures seem so sweet and full of life on my tongue.  I have boundless gratitude for my loved ones.  The ones that love me and the ones that I love.  Their words of encouragement, love pride in me.  I am very grateful for it feels wonderful being appreciated, receiving compliments when I haven't been expecting them, knowing that those around me believe that I'm "doing good." I can feel my heart swelling.  I have great love for all these people, even and especially for the ones that no longer play an active roll in my life.  I am grateful to loss for showing me how much I really have.  I am grateful for heartbreak for showing me how much I really do love.  I am grateful for every day that I wake up and choose to love myself more.  Thank you for the love.

What I Did When I Was Not Making Art

One day I found myself on the phone with my lovely cousin.  I was about to tell her about how since my life was so crazy with the loss of my art studio and having to move homes as well that I hadn't made any art.  I caught myself right before I said that because I knew that it wasn't true.  I may not have manifested a profound body of work, yet I had been making art.  I have a little black Moleskin that I carry with my in my purse.  When I had the spare time, drinking a ginger beer at a bar or waiting for something I would pull out my little book and do a drawing.  After I told my cousin how I was about to say a false statement, we continued on talking about how sometimes we don't give ourselves credit for what we are doing.  We often think that we are not doing something because it doesn't live up to our grand perceptions that we had created, while truthfully though, we had been working on something.  So here are some drawings that I did during a pretty busy time in my life.

I bet there are somethings that you don't give yourself credit for.  I bet if you sit down and think about it more that you will actually have some of the dreams that you've wanted, maybe not the form you wanted, but still, some of the same aspirations.

Are you loving yourself right now?

     Standing on a dock someone very close to me asked me this.  " Are you loving yourself right now?"  I said yes, looking back I don't know if I was or not.  In fact, I don't know if I had every really pondered the concept of self love long enough to really know what role it played in my life.  Lately though, I've been looking closer at it.  I've noticed a couple things, for starters, I have been pretty mean to myself. I mean, the stuff that I say to myself is more mean than anything I would ever say to anyone else.  I've also noticed that in other ways I have felt shame or guilt for putting my needs ahead of others.  After a bit of a health scare,  I have committed myself to making healthy decisions.  If that means that I can't be there for someone else then I have to be ok with that because that is a part of self love.  They need to be ok with it as well and if they aren't, then their not someone that is whole heartedly beneficial having in my life.  Other times, I have felt unworthy for the gifts that I have had in my life.  I've also felt guilt for having the things in my life.  All a part of shame.  A very tricky thing that can get in the way of self love.

     The first image is kind of disturbing (its from the film Carrie,) I preferred focusing on the contents of the article and the "test" at the end.    Says some pretty important stuff.  I think we could all grow by looking at how shame affects our lives and value self love more.  I hope you love yourself as much as I do, in fact, I hope you love yourself more than I do.  May we all full heartedly love every ounce of ourselves, whether its the parts that make us "crazy" the parts that make us "slutty" or the parts of us that are "broken" .  By the way I don't think your crazy, slutty or broken.  These are words that other people often use to describe things that make them uncomfortable. xoxo

Detoxing Shame: A 5 Fold Path by Anjana Love Dixon
http://theanjananetwork.net/2014/07/06/detoxing-shame-a-5-fold-path/

P.S Here is Ani DiFranco singing Shameless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vjizt4Ixt6E

All is Beautiful...

                                                                    Right now

 What is here in this moment

 Is beautiful

 No one can say otherwise 

 No one owns this moment

It is already gone

 But while we still have each other

 We shall dance to a tune for the things that we love

The sun shines

Our bodies are  filled with breath

 We are lucky to have each other

We are gifted

We are love