I realized that I had been making my notes a little on the dark side and had been thinking about setting up some time to write about things a little less heavy hearted. (I have lovely pictures and journeys to share.) I told myself the next post will be dedicated to beauty. Yet something happened along the way, inspiration. Thank you for your kindness. And here is something beautiful. It's titled "Conduit for Love" and helped me transform the title of my online journal. Here is also a little story about about the transformation of heartache.
Chrystal Brooke
My life really changed after my mother died. When I looked towards the future I had to come face to face with the new reality. A reality that meant, my mom wouldn't be there if I got married, my mom wouldn't be there if I had a child, my child wouldn't have a grandmother from my side of the family, I wouldn't get presents that were filled with stuff that one buys at the ABC store ( a hawaiian chain ) and I wouldn't have someone to talk to whenever I needed someone to talk to. At the present time that was really hard. When the shit hit the fan in my life I didn't know who I could talk to. My mother had always been my go to. No matter what I knew that if I was having a hard time that I could always call my mom and she would listen.
As time passed by I began searching for that person that I could always talk to no matter what, I searched for it in family members, co-workers, anyone willing to let me pour my soul out to them. Along this journey, I really realized that having someone to talk to whenever you needed someone are some pretty big shoes to fill.
The other day I was reflecting on my mother, the anniversary of her death is fast approaching which means a time to look at my story straight in the face. As I was walking down the sidewalk on a beautiful and sunny day. I reflected upon those times in my life when I needed to call someone. I felt comfort knowing that I have at least one person that lets me do that, my adopted Pappi. I basically just tormented him with love and kindness until he let me into his big curmudgeon heart. He listens to me and torments me about everything that goes on in my life. I feel so blessed to have such a good friend. I reflected on other people in my life as well. The ones that have given me unconditional love. After my mother passed away, for a while I didn't know if anyone would ever love me unconditionally again.
Turns out there are people that love me unconditionally and people that can call whenever I want.
The next day following my sunny sidewalk reflection day, I check my voicemail and it's a thick tongued man whose voice is unrecognizable to me. Turns out it was my Godfather getting back to me. A couple days earlier I felt the inspiration to call him, it had been seven years since we last spoke. I went into a box that was labeled "Mom's Paperwork Don't Open" and found her address book. I flipped through the pages of her address book, seeing her handwriting get shakier and shakier as she got more sick. Cried over her handwriting and found the number for my Godfather and called him. Turns out, his number is already in my phone. He leaves me a message with a different phone number after all he is in the arctic circle. He tells me how happy he is to hear from me, how he has so many questions and how I can call him whenever I want. Those magic words that sing to me "Call whenever you want."
It took a couple days of phone tag and hearts worth of courage to call him back. Yet I just did. I just got off the phone with my godfather. He tells me about how he has so many questions, so many memories of my mom and how he wants to talk in person rather than on the phone about all that stuff. He tells me again that I can call him whenever I want and he tells me "you know, its my job to look over you." My response was "Thank you for letting me know that."
I am old enough and have had my heart broken enough to know that there are truly no happy endings, only happy moments in time. I am unsure of where this relationship will go. Unsure if it is a healthy one and afraid of trusting and making myself vulnerable, time has proven that it's not always the best thing to do. We have plans to hang out on one of his boats, he works at sea, and he has asked me to contact him before I go to Burning Man or leave the country. He expressed endless gratitude for me reaching out and I apologized that it took me seven years to do so.
With all the fear, anxiety, hopes, dreams bundled up together, I am willing to take on this new chapter in my life, getting to know my godfather better and how that will effect my life. I tell you one thing, it sure does feel fucking great to be loved. To the friends, families, animals, sea, mountains, sky and sun that love me my gratitude can not be summed up in a collection of words but beats throughout my chest and back the strong feeling of love. Namaste.
