Tell Me that My Smile is Beautiful

   


Well, I am feeling lots of different emotions right now, triggered, tired, blessed, scared, sad, drained, and thankful, very very thankful.  Today started out pretty normally.  I ate my bowl of quinoa with shredded coconut, freshly cooked cranberries and almond milk.  My head started hurting, its the time of the month where it does, so I layed down and before meditating or falling asleep I thought about how people who are really good at grammar and quick to point out another persons bad grammar may be missing the point.  Just because someone doesn't write properly it doesn't mean they are stupid.  What it could mean is that their dyslexic.  Which I am.  So I just wanted to get that out in the open and let it rest to percolate. I layed down listened to a guided meditation and fell asleep.

I awoke with my head hurting less and began preparing my lunch of quinoa, black beens, butternut squash, cooked beat greens, brussel sprouts and beets. A bowl full of iron :)  Today is tuesday and on tuesday I go see my therapist.  I've been working for some time and quite hard on healing and trying to become the best possible me.  It's scary, hard and a lot of fun.

     Whenever I get a migraine though, the last place I want to go is to my therapist.  So as a trick, I'll text her in the am, tell her I am not feeling well that I will go to sleep, wake up feel better and make my appointment.  It's a way of holding myself accountable.
   
    I sat down and after exchanging pleasantries she began asking me questions like "did you have dental work today?" No. Why? Because when you smile half of your face doesn't move.  I laughed and thought that was funny and she said no.  Look at your face.  She handed me her iPhone in mirror mode.  I smiled and half of my face was not responding.  Right away I knew that this was a symptom of a stroke.  I was there when my grandma had her stroke and I was there the 10 years after her stroke.  I looked at my face and thought stroke.  My therapist wanted to assure me that its best not to jump to conclusions right now.  That getting stressed out won't help it.  I had an idea.  "I have swedish triage's number plugged into my phone so that if I am ever not sure whether or not I need to go to the ER, I call them." So I call them and put my phone on speaker so that my therapist can hear and contribute as well.  They ask me some questions and a minute later they are telling us that they want us to call 911 right now.  My therapist asks "you want us to call 911 or take her to a hospital" their response was call 911.
   

     As my therapist took care of that I went through the ok, crap, I am going to go to the er, I don't know what's going to happen so I need to let the people that love me and some friends know that I am going to the ER.  This was hard because right away, my instincts were to call my parents, but I don't have parents, and in situations like these, that's a tough pill to swallow. not only am I faced with something really scary but I also have to confront again that some of the people that are supposed to be in my life aren't.   But I move ahead, I notify my cousin, I give my therapist my cousins number cause he's my emergency contact just in case something goes wrong.  I send a text to a couple of friends and then we are on our way to the lobby.  The fire department and 5 firemen are all there.  My therapist explains what happens and they asks me to smile.  So I do, still half of my face isn't responding, they have an eye tracking thing that they want me to do. They want me to pull on their hands.  There is someone in plain clothes taking notes and I find this odd.  They ask me what day it is. Ask me where I am. I answer them all.  They don't know whats wrong.  Although my face looks like I am having a stroke, my blood pressure and everything else is ok.
No one thinks I need  5,000.00 taxi to go to the hospital so my therapist tells them that she'll take me to the ER and get an Uber.
 

      The ER waiting room, half of it smells like piss and the other half has a t.v that has day time television on.  Currently someone slept with someone else's cousin so everyone needs to argue and yell.  I mention to my therapist how much I dislike arguing and yelling and we agree that we feel the same way. "But you know if I had to pick between the side that smells like pee or the side with the screaming people.  I'll obviously pick screaming.

Around 10 minutes, and several more follow up texts they call my name.  I have a bunch of bags with me and was eating some food, sometimes once you get in the er they won't let you eat anything so I was taking it while I could.  The man that smelled like pee kept getting up, the t.v was so loud that the nurse couldn't hear us responding.  Voila! I am going to my very cold room that she notice and asks me if I would like some blankets. I want to live in a snuggie right now, Yes please I will take the blankets.  We wait some more, I text a lot more, Ok.  I have someone that can come over at 5 and at 9. So if I am still here that's good.  My therapist thinks as well and heads out to help some other totally awesome person revolutionize their life.
   

     So I am still freaked out. In my head I here my grandmothers nurse saying over and over in her cute mexican accent  "you know Chrystal, your too stressed, you need to be stressed less, you know I work in the other hospital and we have a 28 year old girl who had a stroke.  Want to know what caused it? Stress. You need to stress less." So although the firemen have assured me that strokes rarely happen to people my age, I know that they happen and that I am exhibiting one of the distinct features of one. The Dr comes in, she wants me to grab, and pull and resist and do the eye thingy again.  She goes over to her computer types some information and says "I know what you have. You have Bell's Palsy." I have no idea what it is.  It is something where there is a nerve and either there was a virus or it got pinched, but it has detached (please do not quote me on all of this because it was kind of hard to understand at the moment." Most importantly I am not have a stroke.  Due to this nerve issue though, half of my face is paralyzed.  She tells me that my eye won't blink and that before I go to bed I need to put cream in my eye and then tape it shut. Then she tells me that they are going to give me steroids, before she even starts, the nurse is already puncturing packets and putting pills in my hands, and that if I take the steroids within the first 24-48 hours of symptoms I have  93 percent chance of my face not being paralyzed.  I want to make sure that my brain is ok.  She assures me that my brain is ok, at least from this.  I want to know if this has anything to do with my migraines, it doesn't.  They explain to me this new regime of eye care that I am going to need to do cause my eye won't blink.  I need to put the tears in my eyes every two hours, and wash my hands cause the last thing they want is my eye getting infected, and at night I am to put cream in my eye, put gauze over my eye (so that the tape doesn't pull out eyelashes or eyebrows) and tape my eye shut.  I need to take the steroids for 10 days.  I make a joke about how I've been losing weight, but er humor can fall on deaf ears. They also tell me about how the steroids can affect my mood and ability to sleep. I make another ER joke, I think we can establish a pattern of coping here :) Got those covered. So they are going to release me YAY! and there is nothing that they know of that is wrong with my brain. YAY! I just need to do a follow up with my dr and let everyone know that I am not dying. OK!

     I've been running in crisis mode for quite a bit, been trying to take care of all the details, realizing that this is a very triggering event for me since I was there when my grandma had her stroke and the sadness when I needed to call people and couldn't call my parents.  Luckily though, I have people that love me very much and want me to worry them with lots of phone calls :) Despite all this going on, I was handling things like a pro.  Once they told me what I had and left the room.  The floodgates were opened and the tears they started dropping.  Their doing it now just thinking about it.
I went to get my steroids and I walked out of the hospital.  It felt quite strange to be standing there, holding my heavy bag, feeling weak and tired, and being greated by all the excitement of rush hour.  I walk and call my cousin J. He immediately apologizes for what is going on with my face, I apologize if I worried him or upset him in any way. We are all good.  I tell him I am deffinately ready for bed and a movie.  And recount to him everything I recounted to you.
Cool! He just called! Now where was I...Oh yeah, talking about the difficult emotions of the whole experience.  I think I covered that.

     So I was walking along talk to J.  He asked me what I was up to now. "Well my eye won't blink so I need to find these special eyedrops along with a cream that I need to put in my eye and tape shut.  Hey I just found a drugstore that is in this weird construction area. Cool" We say we love the other person and hang up.  There is a line of 6 people waiting to drop off prescriptions.  Because I just got out of the ER, and I don't have a prescription, and the line is 6 people long I use this as an opportune time to ask for what I want and I get one of the pharmacists to help me find the eye ointment I need.  Win! I express my thanks to her.  Pay for my stuff and head out back into rush hour and the world of calling everyone or responding to everyone via text that is worried. Wow! going to the ER is exhausting! Not having a stroke is too.

     Even though I don't have parents.  I have lots of people that love me. People that will let me spend the night and have their dog lick my nose and stuff, people that are willing to come to be with me in the ER, I have my lovely therapist who not only provides me with skills and perception shifting to make this life more enjoyable but will also take me to the er, will totally get my er jokes and laugh at day time television with me.

 
      Life is tough. It's scary. It's messy. It's complicated. Its beautiful. Babies are born.  Babies cry. Life is filled with flowers, drug addicts, luscious fruits, barren land, and all of us some how or another are doing what we can.  It may not be perfect, neat, shiny and ready for day time television.  But it is real.  Every day I think about the things I am grateful for, my loved ones, financial stability, being able to travel, the gift of being able to enjoy my surroundings in a very inspiring way.  Today I am grateful that I am alive and that I did not have a stroke.  I'm also grateful that I still have at least half a smile.

     I don't know if my face will change or not.  I have to be ready to accept that this might be the way I look for the rest of my life.  I hope it will be seen as a like a scar. You know it adds character. I know that the things in my life that have been traumatizing also make me a better person.  They have given me compassion, loyalty, maybe my now smile will put everyone to rest, Life is a whole lot easier if we accept what is going on.  It would be easier for me if I could just find a way that I could smile at all the cuties in a way that will make them feel attracted more than whats "wrong with her face" Maybe the half smile (coping habit exhibiting itself again). No matter what though, I am not going to stop laughing or smiling.  Even if my face looks weird.  What do you think?

                            My heart will always smile like this, sun kissed in Hawai'i smile




                               Smile 1                                                                                   Smile 2

smile 3 (another bad joke)

half smile :) I don't normally smile that big anyways

I listened to this lovely man sing somewhere over the rainbow as I was walking down the street after just being released from the ER.  It was kind of surreal. Thanks bruddah iz!