I am looking at this picture and all I see is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. Her loving presence still rests deep inside me.
It is the season of Samhain. Time to reflect on those who have passed over. Time to reflect on our lives, what we have lost. Give them all time to grieve.
I was talking through the inter webs to a special group of people. We were talking of ancestors, how there are those of blood and those of affinity.
I remembered a painting teacher I had quite some time ago. She passed away when I was living on a small island in the Salish Sea. I sat at the public computers in the library, read her obituary and cried.
She was an inspiration, a warm soft blanket that you could cuddle up to for love in a realm that was often constricted, confined and cold. As we would paint, she would whisk around, her long black skirt flying behind her, wisps of grey hair moving away from her face, and she would say the most beautiful, inspiring, supportive things that an artist could ever hear. All that was needed in her world was letting go. In her art realm there did not exist the scientific conceptualized realm of what someone smart with a degree can just create anything out of fanciful words. Her art, her teaching, her being came from a connection deep within her core. It was all human all the time.
The words she spoke were so beautiful that I would try to write down everything that she would say. I still have it to this day. In a notebook some where.
She was the first person that really made me think that wearing all black was my style, and I dressed in all black for several years. Thinking about her now,makes me want to wear an all black outfit all over again.
She thought my tired raccoon eyes made me look very parisien. She showed us pictures of her studio. A small little attic where she would sit hunched over painting small little paintings on the floor. She showed us small pieces where gold, black, and white paint moved over the paper creating lines, textures, spaces, voids and matter.
' In Huang Shan, China's Yellow Mountains, I saw no one. The stars were close and the stone steps skirting shear drops demanded full attention. For on hundred thousand years and at this moment, in the highest and most remote regions, clusters of souls, hermits and immortals live in quiet mystery, in the light of the moon, in alchemy, prayer, wood gathering meditation and...with the forces of nature travel nowhere and everywhere with names unknown, breath the breath of one thousand miles, and share the light.
Appearing magically, huge drawings carved into shear and inaccessible stone faces are undeciphered poetry.
I am grateful to all souls near and far who live in remote and light fill regions among disappearing clouds on the highest most inaccessible peaks, alone and together; and as molecules encircle the globe, for lighting breathing the breath of one thousand miles.'
With her presence wafting by, her lips parting to express only love of creation, she helped undo years of feeling boxed in, painting within the lines. She helped me feel free. Even though I was still a critic, I was a much more honest, raw, loving, scared, crying and passionate critic. I escaped the realm of over-conceputalization and danced in a realm where anything was possible and everything was ok.
Thank you Barbara Bartholomew. The next time I paint, it's been some time, and oh I will paint again! you mark my word, I'll be listening for you, sending me a little whisper to my ear. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
"It is this universal energy in the world that I attempt to convey in my work. I am not confined by the traditional arrangement of forms customary in Western painting. Hierarchy is absent. I attempt, rather, to bring the viewer back to the present moment, back to direct experience. I believe that paintings should be experienced as one listens to music or to the sound of the wind. The painting is silent. My work demands a slower pace, as the viewer enters in the experience of emptiness, space, time and the undefined"
To see some of Barbara's works you may click on this link
Aloha! I can close my left eye, I can move the left side of my face! This is very exciting!
I'll admit that for a day or two there things were feeling kind of dark. I had to allow space for those feelings to exist so that I could then focus on my knowledge that despite what the forums had to say, I was going to heal. Despite that there had been no visible sign of healing, I was healing. I would look in the mirror every day for some slight chance of movement on the left side of my face. Nothing. A week later I did some more research, I scheduled some acupuncture improvements and my healing drastically sped up. I really believe that the drugs may have helped, however the true healing happened through acupuncture, rest, faith, positive attitude, support from my friends and family, and surrendering to the moment, even if, especially if that meant I had to shed some tears.
Here's where I was
Look at me Now
I can tell how my face isn't quite the same yet, I still sometimes drool when I drink water, and my eye has to work extra to stay shut. This though, is progress and I am grateful!
I am still tired and steroids are kicking my ass. So I am using this time to be quiet and calm. Think about what I want to add to my life and what no longer serves me a good purpose. I look forward to recovering and with all the work I have been doing coming out stronger, wiser, more compassionate, gracious, fearless and kinder.
Thank you so much for your warm wishes and your love.
Places hands together and bows.
I can't sleep and I'm scared and wish that there was someone to tell me that everything will be ok. Not feeling to positive right now. I'm going to try my best to rest and to let go. I'm not too enthused that when people ask me to smile their first reaction is to laugh. At the same time I am really grateful that I have a home, food in my fridge and clean water to drink. I am trying hard not to judge myself as a stereotypical white privileged female. When I look at my life I do know that I am blessed. I just want my face to get better. I've been doing more research and it will more than likely take 1-3 months to get better. I am not even positive we caught it in time enough for me to be in the 93% recovery rate. Being this vulnerable is making me feel really uncomfortable. I wish someone would come and sweep me up into a big giant hug. I should be writing this in a journal instead of here. I am going to go back to bed now. Maybe I just needed to be authentic and not be all "super positive". This emotion will pass and I'll feel better. Thanks for listening. If you have any extra good energy to send my way. I'll take it right now. Also, I really want a piece of cake. I'm on a no sugar diet so instead I will gladly eat an organic asian pear that I am very grateful to have. Nope. Just going to lay back down and imagine that I am surrounded by healing love. Love you! P.S I'll post some pretty pictures soon.
Well, I am feeling lots of different emotions right now, triggered, tired, blessed, scared, sad, drained, and thankful, very very thankful. Today started out pretty normally. I ate my bowl of quinoa with shredded coconut, freshly cooked cranberries and almond milk. My head started hurting, its the time of the month where it does, so I layed down and before meditating or falling asleep I thought about how people who are really good at grammar and quick to point out another persons bad grammar may be missing the point. Just because someone doesn't write properly it doesn't mean they are stupid. What it could mean is that their dyslexic. Which I am. So I just wanted to get that out in the open and let it rest to percolate. I layed down listened to a guided meditation and fell asleep.
I awoke with my head hurting less and began preparing my lunch of quinoa, black beens, butternut squash, cooked beat greens, brussel sprouts and beets. A bowl full of iron :) Today is tuesday and on tuesday I go see my therapist. I've been working for some time and quite hard on healing and trying to become the best possible me. It's scary, hard and a lot of fun.
Whenever I get a migraine though, the last place I want to go is to my therapist. So as a trick, I'll text her in the am, tell her I am not feeling well that I will go to sleep, wake up feel better and make my appointment. It's a way of holding myself accountable.
I sat down and after exchanging pleasantries she began asking me questions like "did you have dental work today?" No. Why? Because when you smile half of your face doesn't move. I laughed and thought that was funny and she said no. Look at your face. She handed me her iPhone in mirror mode. I smiled and half of my face was not responding. Right away I knew that this was a symptom of a stroke. I was there when my grandma had her stroke and I was there the 10 years after her stroke. I looked at my face and thought stroke. My therapist wanted to assure me that its best not to jump to conclusions right now. That getting stressed out won't help it. I had an idea. "I have swedish triage's number plugged into my phone so that if I am ever not sure whether or not I need to go to the ER, I call them." So I call them and put my phone on speaker so that my therapist can hear and contribute as well. They ask me some questions and a minute later they are telling us that they want us to call 911 right now. My therapist asks "you want us to call 911 or take her to a hospital" their response was call 911.
As my therapist took care of that I went through the ok, crap, I am going to go to the er, I don't know what's going to happen so I need to let the people that love me and some friends know that I am going to the ER. This was hard because right away, my instincts were to call my parents, but I don't have parents, and in situations like these, that's a tough pill to swallow. not only am I faced with something really scary but I also have to confront again that some of the people that are supposed to be in my life aren't. But I move ahead, I notify my cousin, I give my therapist my cousins number cause he's my emergency contact just in case something goes wrong. I send a text to a couple of friends and then we are on our way to the lobby. The fire department and 5 firemen are all there. My therapist explains what happens and they asks me to smile. So I do, still half of my face isn't responding, they have an eye tracking thing that they want me to do. They want me to pull on their hands. There is someone in plain clothes taking notes and I find this odd. They ask me what day it is. Ask me where I am. I answer them all. They don't know whats wrong. Although my face looks like I am having a stroke, my blood pressure and everything else is ok.
No one thinks I need 5,000.00 taxi to go to the hospital so my therapist tells them that she'll take me to the ER and get an Uber.
The ER waiting room, half of it smells like piss and the other half has a t.v that has day time television on. Currently someone slept with someone else's cousin so everyone needs to argue and yell. I mention to my therapist how much I dislike arguing and yelling and we agree that we feel the same way. "But you know if I had to pick between the side that smells like pee or the side with the screaming people. I'll obviously pick screaming.
Around 10 minutes, and several more follow up texts they call my name. I have a bunch of bags with me and was eating some food, sometimes once you get in the er they won't let you eat anything so I was taking it while I could. The man that smelled like pee kept getting up, the t.v was so loud that the nurse couldn't hear us responding. Voila! I am going to my very cold room that she notice and asks me if I would like some blankets. I want to live in a snuggie right now, Yes please I will take the blankets. We wait some more, I text a lot more, Ok. I have someone that can come over at 5 and at 9. So if I am still here that's good. My therapist thinks as well and heads out to help some other totally awesome person revolutionize their life.
So I am still freaked out. In my head I here my grandmothers nurse saying over and over in her cute mexican accent "you know Chrystal, your too stressed, you need to be stressed less, you know I work in the other hospital and we have a 28 year old girl who had a stroke. Want to know what caused it? Stress. You need to stress less." So although the firemen have assured me that strokes rarely happen to people my age, I know that they happen and that I am exhibiting one of the distinct features of one. The Dr comes in, she wants me to grab, and pull and resist and do the eye thingy again. She goes over to her computer types some information and says "I know what you have. You have Bell's Palsy." I have no idea what it is. It is something where there is a nerve and either there was a virus or it got pinched, but it has detached (please do not quote me on all of this because it was kind of hard to understand at the moment." Most importantly I am not have a stroke. Due to this nerve issue though, half of my face is paralyzed. She tells me that my eye won't blink and that before I go to bed I need to put cream in my eye and then tape it shut. Then she tells me that they are going to give me steroids, before she even starts, the nurse is already puncturing packets and putting pills in my hands, and that if I take the steroids within the first 24-48 hours of symptoms I have 93 percent chance of my face not being paralyzed. I want to make sure that my brain is ok. She assures me that my brain is ok, at least from this. I want to know if this has anything to do with my migraines, it doesn't. They explain to me this new regime of eye care that I am going to need to do cause my eye won't blink. I need to put the tears in my eyes every two hours, and wash my hands cause the last thing they want is my eye getting infected, and at night I am to put cream in my eye, put gauze over my eye (so that the tape doesn't pull out eyelashes or eyebrows) and tape my eye shut. I need to take the steroids for 10 days. I make a joke about how I've been losing weight, but er humor can fall on deaf ears. They also tell me about how the steroids can affect my mood and ability to sleep. I make another ER joke, I think we can establish a pattern of coping here :) Got those covered. So they are going to release me YAY! and there is nothing that they know of that is wrong with my brain. YAY! I just need to do a follow up with my dr and let everyone know that I am not dying. OK!
I've been running in crisis mode for quite a bit, been trying to take care of all the details, realizing that this is a very triggering event for me since I was there when my grandma had her stroke and the sadness when I needed to call people and couldn't call my parents. Luckily though, I have people that love me very much and want me to worry them with lots of phone calls :) Despite all this going on, I was handling things like a pro. Once they told me what I had and left the room. The floodgates were opened and the tears they started dropping. Their doing it now just thinking about it.
I went to get my steroids and I walked out of the hospital. It felt quite strange to be standing there, holding my heavy bag, feeling weak and tired, and being greated by all the excitement of rush hour. I walk and call my cousin J. He immediately apologizes for what is going on with my face, I apologize if I worried him or upset him in any way. We are all good. I tell him I am deffinately ready for bed and a movie. And recount to him everything I recounted to you.
Cool! He just called! Now where was I...Oh yeah, talking about the difficult emotions of the whole experience. I think I covered that.
So I was walking along talk to J. He asked me what I was up to now. "Well my eye won't blink so I need to find these special eyedrops along with a cream that I need to put in my eye and tape shut. Hey I just found a drugstore that is in this weird construction area. Cool" We say we love the other person and hang up. There is a line of 6 people waiting to drop off prescriptions. Because I just got out of the ER, and I don't have a prescription, and the line is 6 people long I use this as an opportune time to ask for what I want and I get one of the pharmacists to help me find the eye ointment I need. Win! I express my thanks to her. Pay for my stuff and head out back into rush hour and the world of calling everyone or responding to everyone via text that is worried. Wow! going to the ER is exhausting! Not having a stroke is too.
Even though I don't have parents. I have lots of people that love me. People that will let me spend the night and have their dog lick my nose and stuff, people that are willing to come to be with me in the ER, I have my lovely therapist who not only provides me with skills and perception shifting to make this life more enjoyable but will also take me to the er, will totally get my er jokes and laugh at day time television with me.
Life is tough. It's scary. It's messy. It's complicated. Its beautiful. Babies are born. Babies cry. Life is filled with flowers, drug addicts, luscious fruits, barren land, and all of us some how or another are doing what we can. It may not be perfect, neat, shiny and ready for day time television. But it is real. Every day I think about the things I am grateful for, my loved ones, financial stability, being able to travel, the gift of being able to enjoy my surroundings in a very inspiring way. Today I am grateful that I am alive and that I did not have a stroke. I'm also grateful that I still have at least half a smile.
I don't know if my face will change or not. I have to be ready to accept that this might be the way I look for the rest of my life. I hope it will be seen as a like a scar. You know it adds character. I know that the things in my life that have been traumatizing also make me a better person. They have given me compassion, loyalty, maybe my now smile will put everyone to rest, Life is a whole lot easier if we accept what is going on. It would be easier for me if I could just find a way that I could smile at all the cuties in a way that will make them feel attracted more than whats "wrong with her face" Maybe the half smile (coping habit exhibiting itself again). No matter what though, I am not going to stop laughing or smiling. Even if my face looks weird. What do you think?
My heart will always smile like this, sun kissed in Hawai'i smile
Smile 1 Smile 2
smile 3 (another bad joke)
half smile :) I don't normally smile that big anyways
I listened to this lovely man sing somewhere over the rainbow as I was walking down the street after just being released from the ER. It was kind of surreal. Thanks bruddah iz!
I stop by his store. I tell him that I am bleeding, I thought he would want to know. "Oh good" he tells me as he reaches out to hug me. The response my body knew it was going to get.
He loves me enough to give me a handful of moss "you need some life. Put it in a dish with some water in it and it will grow all winter into a mound of moss." I haven't told him that moss is one of my favorite things.
I'm bleeding today, I sit on the toilet, with the cramping also comes gratitude, savoring this moment, knowing that it won't be like this all of my life. One day I won't bleed any more. Something else will happen. My body will go through some other type of shedding, protection and cultivation.
There are many stories to be told, many photos to be shared. Not today though. I will wrap myself in white blanket and remember, my body is tired, uncomfortable, sore and I am content, tired, loved. I'm very very loved.
Feeling in love with this moment. Body ready for rest.
Bathing in the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves. Writing that made me think of a poem my grandmother told my I had written it when I was a kid.
Today is a day for
Dancing under the shadows of
Silver trees.
