I Have Compassion for you and Commit to You

   On the inspiration of my friend and teacher, Yeshe Mathew, I decided to follow forth and engage in this ritual, "women's history month daily practice". It's been an interesting practice. I think of every element, my self, other women throughout the world, the earth, and when I have created enough imagery, ideas, emotions, I get the chills and then either say "I compassion for you and commit to you self." or "I commit to you women" or "I commit to you Mother Earth" Each day I say all three. When I think of myself, I look at a picture of me when I was about two I think, It's a happy photo but one that took me some time to like. About a year ago, when I first started putting pictures of my past in my apartment, I brought this one out and showed this to my therapist, I said "This girl, I don't feel like she is me, this girl is not me" My therapist told me that she was me and that it was my job to look at that photo and realize that that was me. By the time the "women's history month daily practice" began. I had already realized that that little girl was me and all the pain she went through is a part of me. Sometimes I think she is still inside of me. Although I do know it is me, I sometimes think she looks like an old wise asian man.

   It seemed important to put that photo on my altar. I look at it an I say "I have compassion for you and commit to you self" and writing this now I realize that there has been something missing. I haven't been thinking about the challenges that I am facing, the ways that I am trying to grow, the mythic patterns that live inside my story. These are things that I will now think about when I look at this photo. When I have looked at that photo I could feel them and in hindsight acknowledge the power of adding vocalization to this practice.

   Then I think of women. I think of the women who are my friends, the women who dislike me, the women who have hurt me, the women who are going through hard times whether they are financial, emotional, psychological, a mother who can not feed her children, a woman struggelig with getting pregnant, the women that can not show their faces, the women that are beaten, raped, the women who have to fight for equality in the work place and still struggle to get it, and when my body trembles with chills I say "I have compassion for you and commit to you women."

   Then I look at a photo of the earth taken from outer space. I think of the pollutants in the ocean, the threat of extinction of animals, the packaging of our food that creates waste, the poison that is put into our foods into our earth, into our water, into our bodies, I think of emissions, pollutants, fracking, oil, the hunting of whales, I think of all the things that I can do to make this world heal. I think of all the ways we can heal the earth: keeping pollutants out of water, keeping pollutants out of our food, keeping pollutants out of our trash, reducing the seen and unseen effects that humans have on the oceans, eating locally, refuse, reuse, recycle, protecting wildlife areas so that there may still be space for all that is wild, participating in activist acts for the earth whether they are done on a personal day to day level or with others, and when i get goosebumps and my body trembles I say "I have compassion for you and commit to you Mother Earth."

  In one way I was able to witness a direct effect of this practice was in analyzing abuse. One of the women who I stated I had compassion for was someone who really hurt me and verbally and emotionally abused me.  I still know that she is a wonderful person. Having compassion for her made me think of how she lacked the skills to engage in challenging conversations in other ways, how maybe someone had treated her like this. It also made me look at myself, I had been emotionally and verbally abusive in the past. It was something I learned. When threatened come out with guns blazing. I was able to acknowledge that its been a long time since I responded this way.  That I have been digging within to find alternative ways to respond. Whether that response has to be disengaging from an abusive situation, calling it out, or not communicating with someone when I have become irate.  I don't have to hit below the belt because someone else does, although I may want to. Being abusive from fear, anger, love or dislike is not ok.  This is something that I chose to withdrawal from so that I don't make the same choices. I think about the people that have lied, cheated, deceived and the awful circumstances that they have come from that has led them to respond in abusive ways. I have compassion for their pain,  for their history, for the feelings that they feel even though in my heart I feel that their actions are wrong. I have deep compassion for all those affected by abuse.

Daily I have compassion for myself and commit to myself. Daily I have compassion for women and commit to women. Daily I have compassion for Mother Earth and commit to Mother Earth.