It's been way to long since I've put energy into this space. I am just going to jump right into the mix of things. It's Father's Day! Which means that my Newsfeed is filled with happy stories about fathers and pictures of families together. It is super cool to see all the photos of the fathers of my friends. I admire parents and having been in a relationship with a dedicated father I was able to see first hand everything a good father does for his son. I have mad respect for all the dads. So I wanted to join in and say "Happy Father's Day", I typed it out, but it just didn't feel right, it felt like lying (which unless you ask me if I am having a good day and I may say fine even if I am not) is something that I am not very good at. It's against my constitution. My muscles begin to get all tense, my chest tightens and the room for my heart becomes smaller and smaller.
I couldn't type it out, because although I appreciate all the fathers in my life I also have very little appreciation for the most important one who is not in my life, my own father. So what I really wanted to say was "Fuck you Dad, Happy Father's Day" But it just doesn't bring across that spirit of love that I have for the other fathers in my life.
The relationship between (lets call him G) "G" and I has been rather complicated. For the majority of my life it was a revolving door policy. " Hey there's dad! I love you dad" then dads gone. Then I get to spend a summer with "G" and then he doesn't call me on my birthday, when I call him and ask him why he didn't call, his response was "You never call me on my birthday" I was 11. As I got older the emotional abuse got worse and then came the verbal abuse. He would say that "I was a cunt, a whore, a crazy person." If you asked G if he ever remembered this I don't know if he could answer that because he was so high when he said it.
I kicked him out again of my life for another three years. Then his mother, my grandmother passed away, I remember on the car ride to her funeral telling my Uncle "I'll be dammed if just because his mother is dead he thinks he can waltz back into my life. Well he can't" and 3 days later he was back in my life. Why? Because I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have a dad in my life and I believed that he would change. He did but then it went back to the same old, a different version. I won't go into detail about that ( it allegedly involves threats to my life, verbally abusive phone calls from "G" and "C", stalking, me on the run living in constant fear and the eventual cut off from every single relative on that side of the family) but let me tell you that "G" is out of my life and I don't think he will ever get close to coming back in. Maybe, just maybe, I will visit him on his deathbed one day.
So when I say "Happy Fathers Day" now after telling my story I can say it a bit more honestly. But what's most important of all is that it's "Happy Father's day, Fuck you Dad." Its been 8 years since I cut my dad out of my life, and not a day has gone by that I have regretted it. I have missed him and the real person that I have been missing is just an illusion, not the whole truth. And the loneliness that I feel for not having a father in my life really is really fucking strong and has had a tremendous impact on who I am today. That very pain comes from and gives me strength, because no one should ever emotionally, verbally, physically or sexually abuse you, especially anyone that you say these three precious words to, "I love you." So I've been saving my "I love you's" for those that treat me right. I have an adopted pappi, cousins, friends, flowers, trees, places and animals that receive my I love you's, along with two uncles. In the end, I love everyone. Everyone in the whole world. I do. Even "G", he just won't get to see it any time soon. I love you too! Remember that if you ever are having a hard day and don't feel the love that you need to. Know that I love you.
